Steen: Cowboys and Aliens–that bad

Armed with popcorn, a diet coke and Milk Duds (it wasn’t nearly enough!), I went in to see Cowboys and Aliens—well, how bad could it be with Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig?

Cowboys and Aliens

Armed with popcorn, a diet coke and Milk Duds (it wasn’t nearly enough!), I went in to see Cowboys and Aliens—well, how bad could it be with Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig?

Pretty bad, as it turns out.

This hapless bunch from the 1800s gets attacked by Outlaws and (let’s be perfectly politically correct here) Cowpersons (or bovine persons, if you’re from the south), then Native Americans (Apaches) show up with bows and arrows, then Aliens (or as I like to call them, “New Earthlings”).

Wow, Robert Downey Jr. dropped out of this one, eh? Who knew he was that smart?

And here’s a real surprise—it was produced by Steven Spielberg. What are the odds of that? Good Lord, does he ever quit with the Aliens—oh sorry, New Earthlings—and do they always have to have those little ET fingers? Why couldn’t they, just once, have hoofs or web feet, or maybe paws for a change?

While Craig seems comfortable riding a horse, Harrison Ford looks old and decidedly awkward around them—but then this is no Indiana Jones movie and he is long past the action hero stage.

I thought the dog was cast well as the dog, but Daniel Craig as a cowperson is a little like Nicole Kidman as Annie Oakley.

Yet again we give these precious visitors from another galaxy no welcome, and in fact we really p— them off. And they would still be here were it not for a fancy bracelet and a leggy blond—but don’t let me give away this riveting plot.

There were darn few good quotes, but this one should give you an idea of the real depth of the writing: “You can drink your last few hours away on a beach, which by the way, isn’t a bad idea, or you can follow me.”

Wow, you know this really is a classic in the making.

I give this one reel just because it took some pretty spectacular special effects to make folks actually stay for the whole show.

Don’t bother with Cowboys and Aliens unless there is absolutely nothing else to do—like giving yourself a root canal or cleaning poo off your shoe.

This is not a good movie and not a good way to spend a Saturday night…or any night for that matter.

Too harsh? OK, another half a reel for seeing Daniel Craig without his shirt on, but that is absolutely my final offer.

Susan Steen is a local movie buff.

 

susansteen1234@shaw.ca

 

 

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