Hopper: Inner peace starts with validating your own feelings

One of the more common mistakes that people make when searching for their potential mate is not leaving adequate healing time between relationships.

 We often think that our lack of happiness is because of the partner we are with, and that our happiness will be restored when we are with someone else.  

Often, people jump relationships only to find that once the honeymoon phase of the new relationship wears out, they have actually recreated the same old relationship—with the same challenges—only this time with a different face.  

True healing depends on so many factors, like your personal history, the length of the relationship, the intensity of the relationship, circumstances of the breakup, etc. 

How long should this healing process be? Some rules of thumb are half the length of the relationship or two months for every year of the relationship. 

One rule of thumb that I highly recommend is to wait at least a year after a divorce before seriously dating.  

Divorce has a lot of associated emotional baggage that takes a lot of time to sort through. 

But more important than starting a new relationship is to finally have a relationship with yourself.  

True happiness comes from a sense of inner peace that we find within ourselves, when we truly get to know and love ourselves.  

We often run to relationships to hide from feelings of loneliness.  

Addressing the seemingly scary and darker places within us actually represents our invitation to see and know our light. 

Part of this acknowledgment is to allow ourselves to feel all of the uncomfortable feelings that may be surfacing.  

A sense of inner peace is only possible when we can stop looking externally for our sense of worth and validation.  

The end of a relationship actually represents an awesome opportunity for you to look deeper within yourself.  ‘

You can learn to dig past the pain of the relationship and truly find yourself, perhaps for the very first time in your life.  

Even when we end a relationship that is unhealthy, it can feel akin to withdrawal from an addictive drug.  

But it is actually through the pain that you feel after the break-up that will lead you to profound personal growth within. 

In the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, author Susan Anderson borrows from the Japanese language, calling this process this personal and spiritual growth “akeru.”

“This word has many meanings, among them, to pierce, to end, to open.  It helps to describe the hidden opportunity in feelings of abandonment. You can use your feelings of separation and isolation as fuel for internal growth,” she writes in her book. 

“As you strengthen your adult self and address the needs of your inner child, you will learn how to become emotionally self reliant.”  

So, if you find yourself in a position of avoidance or distraction from those deeper uncomfortable feelings that may be bubbling up within you, know that you can get through it.  

Try to resist the urge to immediately jump into another relationship and spend some time with yourself.  

Those uncomfortable feelings that are surfacing within do not magically go away.  

They are being presented to you to work through to gain a better understanding of you, of your gifts and ultimately of the love and light that lies within you—all waiting to be discovered.  

You deserve to be in a healthy, loving, compassionate, respectful relationship.  

The image in the mirror is worthy of this time and is the most rewarding relationship you will ever have.

Annie Hopper is a core belief counsellor and brain retraining specialist.  



Just Posted

RCMP ask public to help locate missing West Kelowna teen

Madison Loutitt was last seen July 12

Thieves on the loose in Lake Country

The RCMP is looking for thieves who stole from vehicles and a liquor store

Indie film lovers unite in Kelowna

The third annual IndieFest starts today

Cyclist attempts to break Pan-America world record

German cyclist Jonas Deichmann is travelling through B.C. to Alaska. He plans to begin his attempt on Aug. 18.

France doubles up Croatia 4-2 to win World Cup

Played in Moscow Russia, latest Fifa World Cup marks the highest scoring final since 1966

Your reviews: John Fogerty rocks the South Okanagan

Photos and reviews from fans in Penticton at John Fogerty’s concert in the SOEC

B.C. VIEWS: Making private health care illegal again

Adrian Dix battles to maintain Cuba-style medical monopoly

Almost every part of Canada’s largest national park deteriorating: federal study

Drawing on decades of research — the report lists 50 pages of citations

Activists protest outside Kinder Morgan terminal in kayaks, canoes

Tsleil-Waututh elder Ta’ah Amy George led the water ceremony from a traditional Coast Salish canoe

Canadian soccer fans brace for World Cup final between France, Croatia

First ever final for the Croatians, while it’s France’s third, going into match as betting favourite

B.C. Lions claw their way back to score 20-17 victory over Winnipeg Blue Bombers

The Bombers, who beat the Lions 41-19 last week in Edmonton, fell to 2-3 with the loss

High winds, lack of rain suggest no breaks in sight for B.C. wildfire season

There were 11 new wildfires across the province over 24 hours, BC Wildfire Service officials say

CJ’s Nightclub may be reopening in August under new ownership

Facebook posts suggest the longtime night club is set to reopen in August, also hiring staff

Most Read